A rant.......

It's the feeling of impending insanity that teases you from around every corner.  It's the kid in the restaurant that throws a temper tantrum and the parents cave and give them what they want.  It's the sound of someone talking to you that you can't stand to listen to.  It's the fat on your body that dares you to try and lose it to no avail.  It's the bills that always come back no matter how often you pay them.  It's the tired and repetitive failure of a dream you know will never come to fruition.  It's the driver that speeds past you like a bat out of hell only to cut in front of you and slow to ten miles per hour below the speed limit and tap on his brakes because you almost hit him.  It's the long drawn out season of the year that gets you down when you try so hard to be steadfast.  It's the lonely sound of the road as you drive to Burngas for no particular reason than to be isolated and distant from everything.  We all deal with things like this on a daily basis.  It's stress.  It comes from many different places in many forms and it never ceases.  How we cope and move on is the only variable.  So people go through life with the mentality that everything happens for a reason so stress doesn't really have an impact on their lives.  I'm not one to be so fortunate.  I spent a rather larger portion of my life worrying a lot about what the world around me perceived in me.  Do they think I'm fat?  Do they think I'm rude, crude, or obnoxious?  Do they judge me because my kids don't like to wear shoes?  Do I seem happy to them?  Do they even care?  Will they miss me if I just left and didn't come back?  If I stopped talking would they assume something was wrong?  Would they annoy me further and tell to smile if I'm not?  My wife says that is a miserable way to live life.  I agree with her but I'm scared to live my life any other way.  Even while writing this blog, I'm concerned whether or not you, the reader, will view me as a whiner seeking pity or attention, when, in fact, that is not my intention at all.  Or maybe you're just reading to pass the time.  Whatever reason you have, this is mine:  I write with the hope that if I get it (whatever "it" may be) off my chest, I will be able to relax and ease some on the tension in my mind.  If I don't worry what other people think and direct my life accordingly then what am I living for?  I'm not suicidal so please don't think that.  I  only ask with the intent of highlighting purpose.  What is my purpose if not to help other people achieve happiness and bliss?  I have six amazing children in my life.  Four great boys, three living now and one angel baby.  I don't doubt for a minute that Elliot would have followed in his brothers footsteps and become a strong and fiercely independent kiddo.  All of them have huge hearts, though they often have difficulty expressing their thoughts with the right emotion.  I have two beautiful daughters who own me and have me so wrapped around their little fingers that I often find myself helpless to their every whim and fancy.  Their gorgeous eyes and sweet voices melt me every time I can't give them what they want.  I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.  Ever.  So how am I supposed to live for myself when I have them to look after?  For those of you in households with more than just yourself, you know my dilemma.  If one component of the whole is not in harmony then all is in disarray.  I have many roles where being a father is concerned, too many to list in detail for this blog (perhaps another time), but I think that helping my little ones to adulthood with as much joy as possible is one of them.  Of course, true happiness is achieved only by self.  I love to make people laugh, sometimes at my own expense.  More often that not I use that as a way to shadow over my insecurities.  For example, I'm fat so I make a lot of fat jokes where I'm the subject of humiliation.  It's not for lack of trying though.  I've done the Weight Watchers bit, gone to the gym, changed my diet, been more nutritionally aware but to no avail.  Am I discouraged?  You betcha, but I'm not going to quit.  I want to be able to run with my kids as they mature and maybe one day with my grandchildren.  But in my current condition I get easily winded just throwing a football around with the boys.  Another insecurity presents itself to you.  If you know me personally you know I love to talk.  I love interacting with people and with my insecurity of "what will they think of me" always prevalent, it makes for a very stressful and chaotic mind.  I ramble and apologize for that now but my fingers just go and my mind directs.  As a child I had an anger issue that I went to anger management for after some instances in my adolescence.  They helped to an extent.  I know the devices and techniques but can honestly say, when in situations of disharmony, sometimes they are hard to recall.  My oldest and youngest sons are very similar to me in that way and I'm afraid for them.  I can only account for a few times when my rage got the best of me and it scares me and those around me.  I don't want my boys to go through that and let alone have someone get hurt in the process.  I recently realized that my oldest son will be 18 in just over six years.  That's not a lot of time left for me to help him understand choice and consequence.  He's a smart kid though and I have faith in him and his siblings ability to make their own choices.  I will love them unconditionally regardless.  So how do I cope with the stress of living life?  I haven't the foggiest idea.  Every situation I encounter is different from any other for a myriad of reasons so I can never tackle it the same way.  I just wish I could convince myself that I can't help everyone be happy.  I don't have many friends, by choice.  My family and I are not as close as I would like and my immediate family has its own issues but all in all I'm content with my life.  I wouldn't necessarily say I was happy all the time but for the greater part of the time I most certainly am.  I tend to over analyze everything that's said to me and read into every joke about me, convinced that there is a truth in all of them to be discovered.  Foolish thinking right?  I know.  I give a lot of advice to people and sometimes feel like a psychiatrist.  I suppose if I could be objective for my own life I would cope better.  Oh well.  Life goes on.  Am I right?  Of course I am.  Well thanks for reading my rant!  I'm not sure I got my point out if I had any at all but that was not my intent, as I said wrote earlier.  I'm just getting it off my chest.  I hope and pray your day finds you in good spirits.