Another rant.

I miss the uncontrollable laughter that robs you of breath.  Laughter that is so unbelievably immature and nonsensical that it only makes you laugh even harder.  The kind of laughter that only happens in really good company.  Laughter, that if you don't stop this very instant, will cause you to pee all over yourself.  Laughing that suddenly stops and you look around at everyone laughing with you in breath-held silence for what seems like eternity only to return to your chaotic giggling moments later.  We spend so much time as children rushing to grow up and be adults that I think we failed to realize we only get one childhood.  Now I'm an adult and the burdens of the world are sometimes overwhelming for me.  Being a parent, a husband, a friend, a supervisor, a co-worker, a citizen, it's all really downing at times.  I admit that sometimes I'm so busy trying to get all the pieces of "life" to fit together that I'm forgetting to "live."  Keri made me a plaque with a phoenix on it with an inscription underneath that reads, "Everyone dies but not everyone lives."  How very profound.  I spend so much time wondering what everyone thinks about me and whether or not what I just did will have long lasting negative consequences that I think I'm forgetting to have fun.  I can pretend to an extent that everything is okay, all the time, but the truth is, on most days, I'm terrified of the "what if's" that everyday brings to mind.  Am I good father to my children?  Do they pretend to love me while I'm with them only to bash me publicly or privately when I'm gone from the room?  What about work?  Did I really deserve the promotion they gave me?  Was I foolhardy to think I could actually make a difference?  Am I just a glorified peon with no individual identity outside my name badge and physical appearance?  Daily, I have ideas that can improve our situation at work but I fear bringing them up for fear of retaliation or ridicule?  I'm reading a book right now that talks about our mindset being the key to success and pleasant living (for lack of a better phrase).  It reads of two types of people in life.  Those with a fixed mindset who value self above all else.  And those with a growth mindset who thrive on challenges and learn from their failures.  Initially I bragged that I belonged to the latter of the two but later, and regrettably, I realize that I am with the former.  I devote so much time pretending to be someone I'm not for people that I hardly realize an opportunity to demonstrate self and personal growth.  Honestly, and rhetorically, of course, who am I?  Literally, I'm all the things I mentioned beforehand that I consider occasional downers.  I prefer to think of myself as an optimist, someone who sees the glass as not only half full but also as the best glass ever.  I get along with all walks of life and a lot of people look to me for what to expect in a day.  What mood is Ben going to be in?  At least I like to think I cross people's minds sometimes.  I love to interact with people and observe their reactions to everything.  People watching really should be an olympic sport.  I think I'd medal in it for sure.  Enough of my self pity though.  I started this blog with memories of uncontrollable laughter and reminiscing on my childhood but I don't know how I can do anything about that.  I guess I'm just disappointed in myself that I haven't put forth more effort to get closer to where I want to be in life.  I mean I really have a lot to be proud of in life.  I'm married to a gorgeous, independently minded (yes, in the good way), and amazingly awesome woman.  I've got five children who make me prouder with each passing day and an angel baby I know would have lived up to the challenge and succeeded as well.  I'm alive.  I'm somewhat healthy.  I'm employed with a decent pay.  so I don't really know why I'm in a funk.  I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest and be done with it.  According to my statistics, no one really reads my blog anyway so this is no different that writing in a journal and hoping no one sees it.  Have a great day everyone and remember, "Everyone dies but not everyone lives."

What are you doing here?

What is it that drives you to do the things you do everyday? Do you conform to a routine that leads your everyday into a tiresome monotony? Are you hell bent on living everyday to it's fullest potential where everyday is an adventure? Maybe your life is dictated not by your own actions but by the whims and desires of other people around you. Maybe you have no clue how each day will dawn for you and submit yourself to the will of the universe. Whatever the situation, life goes on for all of us. Not a one of us possesses supernatural abilities to control time and manufacture our futures without fear or prior understanding of consequence.  If there is someone like that I'd surely like to meet them and learn their trade. So we accept the reality before us and navigate our paths the best way we can, with one foot in front of the other, day after day.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I often find myself wondering if I'm doing everything right, if anything at all.  I do my best to love my family and continuously strive to make their worlds a better place.  I push daily on my bounds at work.  I try (being the operative word) to improve myself as an individual and citizen of my community.  Somedays are, of course, harder than others in that department.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all need to identify our driving force.  We need to figure out what is important in our lives, identify and set our goals, and push ourselves to success and ultimate happiness.

Reflections and realizations

In lying here in my bed hoping beyond all hopes that sleep will come easy to me tonight but I know better. The days of easy rest and relaxation have been put to their own rest. I find myself struggling with simple questions now that didn't used to cause me concern. Trivial things like how my day will go at work or whether or not I'll be faced with a tough question or decision throughout my day. Last night I seized an opportunity to listen to silence on the outskirts of town long after the sun bid the day farewell but found myself assaulted by noisy and pestering thoughts. I like to think that I have my wits about me most of the time but I'm not so confident of that lately. I catch myself drifting to other places and times in my mind when I should clearly be focused on the here and now. I'm not saying that I wish things were different or that I'd said or done something differently at point or another but I do wonder. I wonder where the fork in the road would have led me if I'd turned right instead of left or vice versa. Would I still be this happily married man with a beautiful and faithfully loving wife and kids that make me proud daily or would I be someone else entirely different? As a child we all grew up wondering about everything all the time. There was no pause for concern or fear of mental retaliation. Our mouths were often so in synch with our minds that we frequently suffered a tongue lashing for speaking our minds. We can at least say that in those days people knew how we felt about our environment and the world around us.  We didn't need to lie or deceive to achieve selfish and adolescent goals. We didn't need to side with a or b to win favor. There was no need to kiss the metaphorical ass to better your situation. We were children. Though some of us were not as fortunate as others, most had the privilege of childhood. To those of you who did not I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Childhood for me was a time of learning, of excitement, of friendships and pristine imagination.  The corruption of the world had not yet tainted our innocent minds or damage our mortal vessels. I reminisce about how care free my days were back then. I was younger, more energetic, more handsome and enjoyable. Nowadays my mind is plagued with the battle scars of actions and consequences past and yet to come. What will tomorrow hold for me and mine? Will there be a "last" event? Will I smile to my children one last time before tragedy befalls me? Will I feel the tender pressure of my wife's lips for the last time? Will terror and hate extract my home, my life, my work? There is so much more the world has taken from me since my childhood that I cannot grant it forgiveness. It has crushed my innocent soul, hardened my soft, fragile exterior into a being of limited imagination with a massive capacity for worry. There are times when I glimpse the echoes of my youth through the dealings of my own children. I listen to them pretending as they play and watch with eager delight as they learn something new about the world around them. All the while knowing that someday they will grow up and and see the harsh reality of the world. But with every harsh truth is a deep and growing beauty that's only recognizable through reason and focus. I have grown out of my childhood, but from that I have started and fostered a heavenly relationship with a beautiful woman I am privileged to call my wife. From our marriage we've granted five amazing children who we've granted the opportunity to experience their own childhood and grow from that. My children are an extension of my soul. I feel their pains, their passions, sorrows, and joys. Had I never bid farewell to my childhood and the days of accompanying innocence they would never have been.  Looking back on all I've written thus far I am shamed at my ignorance. My life in its entirety is a blessing. All that I have suffered through and endured brought me to this very moment. I live for this moment. I live for the rare and elusive moments in my life when i am truly happy for all I have. I will brave the agonizing periods of doubt and wonder for that one finite moment of blissful realization. I am truly blessed with happiness in my life. I am loved. I am revered, respected, and looked up to by some. I am a great husband to my wife and an amazing father to my children. I am successful in my endeavors and my friendship is deep and powerful. I am battle hardened and steadfast in my beliefs and hold my head high. Though I'm frequently faced with harrowing decisions and hopeless situations i know that all will be well. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I may not always understand the why of life but I'm confident in my Creator. I know I will overcome. So even with all my questions and aimless thoughts I will be okay. I can rest easy knowing I'm in good hands. I hope my readers realize with me the significance of the roads you traveled to get where you are now. Every decision, every turn, spoken word, and reserved thought made you who you are today. The relationships you've cultivated throughout your years are the building blocks of your future. There are imperfections everywhere in life but if we hold them as lessons learned we will grow from them. Now go and be strong for yourself, your families, and your friends. You are each and everyone an amazing person. Live to your potential. Goodnight.

Just some words

For the last few weeks in my life, I've been exposed to more stress and drama then I want to deal with and I really don't want to go on about it but I will for the sake of clearing my head.  At work, there are some people who are not as committed to the job or the responsibilities thereof.  It does not fall to me to carry their burden as well as my own but I'm not the guy who watches while others drown in failure.  Am I wrong to take up their duties as well as my own?  Should I let them falter and fail and possibly lose their jobs?  I did not take this job to make friends.  I have a family that depends on me to sustain a lifestyle for them, put food on the table, clothes on their backs, and help bring peace of mind to their days.  If I'm stressed out at work and give in to the drama and the "complainant's band wagon" then I'm no better than the rest.  I try everyday to shrug off the drama and take a more zen approach.  I try to figure out how best to overcome the situation and learn from my mistakes if indeed I'm to blame but sometimes its a moot effort.  I'm not the guy who says that I'm tired of working my butt off if no one else does but I am the guy who works with a purpose.  We are all a team and must function as such.  No one part can sum up the whole without the others.  No matter how hard I work my efforts seem to go unnoticed unless all parties are doing as well or better than me.  I'm not a working superstar but I'm consistent.  In my consistence, I strive for excellence and expect others to do the same.  It's what we're paid to do.  I was once told that I cannot expect others to care of work as hard as I do.  It was a sad day when I realized the truth of that statement.  There are a lot of co-workers in the same situation as me.  It's weary on the bones to carry the burden of others while we sit and watch them get paid for doing absolutely nothing.  Enough of that.  Here's something else that's been weighing on me for quite some time.  I have, in the past seven years, gotten really close to two gentlemen who I, at one point, considered brothers.  At some point in time though, one of them committed an apparent transgression against the other.  Now it's awkward for me to be friends with both them.  They are neighbors to one another but do not talk to each other.  At one point, there was a girl in the picture but she's gone now and they're still not talking.  How frustrating.  Both are stubborn and don't think anything is wrong.  Sometimes we can't expect others to move on as quickly I suppose.  I've drifted too far from one friend and am drifting away from the other with each passing day.  We all still get along and respect one another as far as I know but life moves on and so do friends I guess.  I have to admit to myself that there are some things in life I can't control and that's hard to do but I'm working on it.  Everyone has their free agency, or ability to do whatever they darn well please but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Counting my blessings......

At this very moment I have numerous blessings for which I am thankful.  I will list them since typing them out in a paragraph would be too much of a burden right now.

1. I am happily married to Keri Kiel, the most beautiful woman I have ever met and I am honored to have her love
2. I have an 11-year old son, William, who is supremely intelligent, independent, and so much like me I sometimes feel like I'm watching myself grow up.  Boy am I in for some fun.
3. I have a 10-year old son, Michael, who is the most creative boy I know.  He can make anything he puts his mind to and doesn't hesitate to tackle a new project if it involves creativity.
4. I have a 6-year old son, Nathan, who is a very adventurous leader.  He is always coming up with new ideas and imaginary games that astound everyone around him.  He loves to laugh and help others have a good time too.
5. I have a gorgeous 5-year old daughter, Jenna, who is the princess I never thought I'd have.  Rather, I never wanted a princess daughter but when she asked me if she was my princess I could not refuse her big blue eyes.  It couldn't be helped.  She'll always be my princess.
6. I have an amazing 2-year old daughter, Elizabeth, who has the most love of all my kiddos to offer.  She is very caring and shows concern for everyone.  She's another princess too.  Her and I share princess kisses too.  
7. I have a calm and relaxed black labrador, Misty (Ms.T for the white "T" on her chest but the kids got to calling her Misty instead), who's been with our family now for about eight and half years.  She's loving and definitely my pup.
8. I have a job with promising advancement opportunities though it's taking longer than I originally planned to ascend the ranks.
9. I am alive
10. I am not handicapped
11. I am not hungry
12. I have a roof over my head, on a house I will someday finish paying off to own
13. I have a functioning vehicle that I almost have paid off
14. I'm happy, most of the time
15. I have friends
16. I have family
17. I have many more reasons but I'm off to bed now so more to come later.
    

A rant.......

It's the feeling of impending insanity that teases you from around every corner.  It's the kid in the restaurant that throws a temper tantrum and the parents cave and give them what they want.  It's the sound of someone talking to you that you can't stand to listen to.  It's the fat on your body that dares you to try and lose it to no avail.  It's the bills that always come back no matter how often you pay them.  It's the tired and repetitive failure of a dream you know will never come to fruition.  It's the driver that speeds past you like a bat out of hell only to cut in front of you and slow to ten miles per hour below the speed limit and tap on his brakes because you almost hit him.  It's the long drawn out season of the year that gets you down when you try so hard to be steadfast.  It's the lonely sound of the road as you drive to Burngas for no particular reason than to be isolated and distant from everything.  We all deal with things like this on a daily basis.  It's stress.  It comes from many different places in many forms and it never ceases.  How we cope and move on is the only variable.  So people go through life with the mentality that everything happens for a reason so stress doesn't really have an impact on their lives.  I'm not one to be so fortunate.  I spent a rather larger portion of my life worrying a lot about what the world around me perceived in me.  Do they think I'm fat?  Do they think I'm rude, crude, or obnoxious?  Do they judge me because my kids don't like to wear shoes?  Do I seem happy to them?  Do they even care?  Will they miss me if I just left and didn't come back?  If I stopped talking would they assume something was wrong?  Would they annoy me further and tell to smile if I'm not?  My wife says that is a miserable way to live life.  I agree with her but I'm scared to live my life any other way.  Even while writing this blog, I'm concerned whether or not you, the reader, will view me as a whiner seeking pity or attention, when, in fact, that is not my intention at all.  Or maybe you're just reading to pass the time.  Whatever reason you have, this is mine:  I write with the hope that if I get it (whatever "it" may be) off my chest, I will be able to relax and ease some on the tension in my mind.  If I don't worry what other people think and direct my life accordingly then what am I living for?  I'm not suicidal so please don't think that.  I  only ask with the intent of highlighting purpose.  What is my purpose if not to help other people achieve happiness and bliss?  I have six amazing children in my life.  Four great boys, three living now and one angel baby.  I don't doubt for a minute that Elliot would have followed in his brothers footsteps and become a strong and fiercely independent kiddo.  All of them have huge hearts, though they often have difficulty expressing their thoughts with the right emotion.  I have two beautiful daughters who own me and have me so wrapped around their little fingers that I often find myself helpless to their every whim and fancy.  Their gorgeous eyes and sweet voices melt me every time I can't give them what they want.  I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.  Ever.  So how am I supposed to live for myself when I have them to look after?  For those of you in households with more than just yourself, you know my dilemma.  If one component of the whole is not in harmony then all is in disarray.  I have many roles where being a father is concerned, too many to list in detail for this blog (perhaps another time), but I think that helping my little ones to adulthood with as much joy as possible is one of them.  Of course, true happiness is achieved only by self.  I love to make people laugh, sometimes at my own expense.  More often that not I use that as a way to shadow over my insecurities.  For example, I'm fat so I make a lot of fat jokes where I'm the subject of humiliation.  It's not for lack of trying though.  I've done the Weight Watchers bit, gone to the gym, changed my diet, been more nutritionally aware but to no avail.  Am I discouraged?  You betcha, but I'm not going to quit.  I want to be able to run with my kids as they mature and maybe one day with my grandchildren.  But in my current condition I get easily winded just throwing a football around with the boys.  Another insecurity presents itself to you.  If you know me personally you know I love to talk.  I love interacting with people and with my insecurity of "what will they think of me" always prevalent, it makes for a very stressful and chaotic mind.  I ramble and apologize for that now but my fingers just go and my mind directs.  As a child I had an anger issue that I went to anger management for after some instances in my adolescence.  They helped to an extent.  I know the devices and techniques but can honestly say, when in situations of disharmony, sometimes they are hard to recall.  My oldest and youngest sons are very similar to me in that way and I'm afraid for them.  I can only account for a few times when my rage got the best of me and it scares me and those around me.  I don't want my boys to go through that and let alone have someone get hurt in the process.  I recently realized that my oldest son will be 18 in just over six years.  That's not a lot of time left for me to help him understand choice and consequence.  He's a smart kid though and I have faith in him and his siblings ability to make their own choices.  I will love them unconditionally regardless.  So how do I cope with the stress of living life?  I haven't the foggiest idea.  Every situation I encounter is different from any other for a myriad of reasons so I can never tackle it the same way.  I just wish I could convince myself that I can't help everyone be happy.  I don't have many friends, by choice.  My family and I are not as close as I would like and my immediate family has its own issues but all in all I'm content with my life.  I wouldn't necessarily say I was happy all the time but for the greater part of the time I most certainly am.  I tend to over analyze everything that's said to me and read into every joke about me, convinced that there is a truth in all of them to be discovered.  Foolish thinking right?  I know.  I give a lot of advice to people and sometimes feel like a psychiatrist.  I suppose if I could be objective for my own life I would cope better.  Oh well.  Life goes on.  Am I right?  Of course I am.  Well thanks for reading my rant!  I'm not sure I got my point out if I had any at all but that was not my intent, as I said wrote earlier.  I'm just getting it off my chest.  I hope and pray your day finds you in good spirits.

A great feeling.

It's about ten minutes to 8 pm here in Mountain Home, Idaho.  The air is crisp and refreshing.  Somewhere in the trees near my house two songbirds are having a conversation.  The crickets are joining in and the sounds of life are going on all around me.  I'm sitting on my porch in a chair I bought at work for just this reason.  My clothes are worn (good thing right, otherwise this would be illegal) and loose fitting.  The sky is a fading baby blue with hints of orange and darker blue on the western horizon.  Clouds hover lazily over Bennett Mountain about ten minutes outside of town.  A small tender breeze is blowing from the north.  Cars full of people going about their lives are heard passing on nearby Airbase Road.  Somewhere out there my wife, Keri, and two of my little uns, Nathan and Jenna, are having a good time in Grand View.  I hear the sounds of my other three kids playing in the living room inside the house behind me.  Right now, as I exhale and take in the world around me, I am at peace.  The feeling of content that flows through me now is beyond imagination.  Just yesterday, my mom, Ursula, celebrated her 50th birthday.  I'm sure she'll kick my bum for saying so too.  As far as the rest of us are concerned she's only 29.  It's just a little awkward to say that though because I'm 31 now.  Oh well.  My oldest daughter, Jenna, turned five years old yesterday as well.  She's growing up to be just as beautiful as her mother.  Her big blue eyes and gorgeous hair resting over her shoulders....mmmmmmmmmmm.......she is the image of beauty.  She gets that from her mom if I do say so myself.  And I do.  She and her mother share that trait with Elizabeth, my youngest daughter, currently of two years old.  I have so many reasons right now to express discontent and misery but I choose to ignore them and instead focus on what precious gifts God has given me.  Almost three weeks ago, my youngest son, Elliot, came into this world earlier than any of us wanted him to and he has since passed on to walk among angels and watch us all live out our lives.  He is and will always be a personage of perfection.  I love and miss him tremendously.  You know if you think about it, there is much in life that is perfect. This time, right now, as I'm sitting outside on the porch writing this blog, is supremely perfect.  It's almost like I'm in the company of angels and all that is beautiful.  I feel connected to everything and nothing all at once.  Hard to explain with words really.  You'd just have to experience it for yourself sometime if you haven't already.  Life is good and that's all I'm saying.  We are surrounded by beauty and perfection everyday.  Take a moment for yourself.  Isolate your body and center your mind.  Find your happy place if you will and let the universe show you something amazing.  Let it show you what you see and feel everyday but dismiss without a second thought.  Get ready!!  Brace yourself! and be AMAZED!!

Random 3-17-2014

Tomorrow it will have been one week since my little man passed from this world.  I miss him so much already and I know to some of you that may seem a little absurd.  Perhaps you've never experienced the joy of parenthood, or more specifically, fatherhood or is it something else entirely?  Regardless, I know the joys of parenthood are two sided.  God created everything with an opposite to keep balance and order to the universe.  Light has day, few has many, white to black, love to hate, and sadly, life to death.  So it only stands to reason that individuals who love children and the prospect of raising a family, such as myself, would have an opposite.  To counter me, there is someone out there with a strong disdain for children.  They would not like to see them develop and the mere thought of child birth and pregnancy is so repugnant it physically makes them sick.  It is to those individuals now that I direct this particular blog post towards.  I'm not trying to dissuade you from your ways or tell you that you are wrong in any sense.  I only want to you to make an informed decision.  I do not know your experiences in life but I know life goes on.  Maybe you had a terrible or life altering childhood experience that grew into a burning itch of loathing for children.  We cannot dwell long on things of the past because they are done and gone.  (FYI, this is not in reference to my late son at all.  I will never forget him.)  Temporal things, meaning things we cannot take with us when we cross over into Heavenly glory, or the next life (whatever your beliefs may be), are vain and just what it says..............temporal.  We need to concentrate on things that are lasting and impressionable.  We are constantly watched by people who look up to us and learn from our examples, people who wish to emulate our behaviors and style of living.  Yes, you have your agency, or freedom to choose what you will, but know that you are a beacon of hope for someone, whether you acknowledge it or not.  So you can dwell in your past and let it dictate the course of your future.  Sit in the back and watch where life takes you or grab the wheel and control your own destiny and fate.  I am a driver, not a passenger, and certainly not someone on the sidewalk that watches as life passes me by without so much as a second thought.  I'm not saying you are but that's my spiel and I'm sticking to it.  Of course, it could be something so simple as you wanting to succeed in life before introducing another life into the world.  I know of several people who are just waiting for the "right time" to raise a family.  I'm a firm believer in "being ready."  As a proud father of six children though I can tell that there is no such thing.  You can be better suited but you will never be ready.  Here's the skinny on me in short.  I'm now 31 and a half years old, have six children, a beautiful wife, a mortgage, minimal and manageable debt (for sanity and financial responsibility), a job with huge potential and promise. Understand though that nothing could have prepared for the news of impending fatherhood.  Truth be told, I wasn't in a great situation.  The only thing I had going for me was the beautiful woman, who, luckily for me, is still the same woman now.  Comically, I had more hair then and was "in" shape rather than "a" shape.  LOL.  Saying that still cracks me up.  Back to the post at hand now.  For those types of people the whole aspect of parenting is the challenge.  How ready can you get before you decide it's time?  Then there's the people who just let life happen.  It's been my experience that these people are the happiest all the time.  They have no expectations therefore have no true disappointments.  Sure they have their bad days but we all do right?  Of course!  If these individuals find themselves in a relationship and love decides to get involved, or perhaps lust, and a baby is the result of that action then whoopee for them.  Life has presented them with yet another opportunity to achieve bliss.  If you find you are of this type then maybe your time just hasn't come yet.  Be patient.  Happiness awaits.  What if what's holding you back from wanting children is the sheer fear of the unexpected.  To you I say.....JUMP.  Hold your breath, hold your form, and jump.  Parenting is bliss and it's well worth it.  I really don't have more to say because life has thrown me a curve ball and I've lost my train of thought.  If you have children now ask yourself this and be sincere and true to yourself.  You're the only one who really knows how you feel so don't deny the truth.  Is there really, honestly, anything in the world you would trade for one or all of your children?  I love my family to the extent of being at a loss for words.  I would not trade them for anything..........ever!!  Sure, I could have done things better, said something differently, or taken a different approach but all of it led me to here....and now.  That's where I'm at.  I'm at NOW.  NOW I have a beautiful, kind, and nurturing wife and mother to my kids.  NOW I am a father with great children with immense potential for themselves and the world.  NOW I am a role model for others and beacon of hope.  NOW is the time for me to be alive. NOW is what's happening.  Plan for the future but live for NOW.  Love your family, your friends, and your life.  Our time here on Earth is short and full of surprises, not all of them good, so tap into the full potential of NOW and embrace the possibility of greatness within and throughout.  I've gone on many tangents here but I want to end with this bit.  You are an amazing person.  You are full of potential.  You are loved.  You are respected.  You are held in high esteem by people you know and maybe don't.  You can do whatever you truly set your mind to and you are the only obstacle that lies in the way of your amazing life.  Look inside yourself, realize your dreams, work for them, and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you're awesome when you achieve them.  Have a great day all of you.  Make the decision not to let anything get you down, no matter how great or small.  Nothing in life is insignificant and everything is a step towards supreme glory.  Love yourself and know that God loves you more.

He is laid to rest and my thoughts abound

My son, Elliot James Kiel, was laid to rest Friday, March 14th, in the early afternoon hours.  The weather was breezy but peaceful and everything was in harmony with the spirit we'd felt all day.  Our son was buried while friends and family, for support and comfort, looked on.  Keri and I had the opportunity to say some things we had written down prior to the service.  We both struggled with our parts but overcame our emotions long enough to be heard by those in attendance.  When it comes to matters of the heart I know that Elliot did not need to hear the words because he felt them through our love.  His funeral is the second I've attended to my knowledge.  I was more than an observer in each and was greatly moved by emotion and spirit both times.  One of the hardest things for me to deal with since learning of Elliot's passing from this world is the roller coaster of emotion that comes with the loss of a loved one.  He wasn't just a loved one, you see, he was my son, my blood, and therefore more of a loss for me.  I conditioned myself to be constructive in my emotion, so, where most people would shutdown or lash out, I keep busy.  I didn't go to work since he passed until today so I mostly did things around the house.  My house is in a constant state of disarray so there is always something to do that involves cleaning and elbow grease.  The dishes were done multiple times, laundry was washed, dinner was cooked and served, and all the while a blur of autonomy.  In a way I did shutdown.  My five surviving children were home with me most of the time so I wasn't able to crumble and succumb to my emotions, which is okay too, but I'm not that guy.  I'm really worried for Keri, and I'm sure she knows it.  I can't begin to fathom the severity of loss she is coping with.  She carried Elliot inside her and one day he was gone leaving a void I can't replace.  One of my biggest frustrations in this whole ordeal is the degree of helplessness I'm faced with.  There was nothing I could do for Elliot when he was born, there was nothing I could do for Keri save my feeble attempts at comforting her, there's nothing I can do to bring him back, and most of all, I'm not sure if our relationship will ever be the same.  Lately, I've been feeling really distant from Keri and I'm sure that's because of losing Elliot.  She seems removed from this world.  It's almost like she's trying to breach the veil and go to Elliot.  We all grieve in different ways like I've mentioned earlier.  I can't help but feel like this whole situation is my fault sometimes.  I know it's foolish to think so but physically speaking, I am the father.  Elliot would never have been in the first place and this whole heartache could have been avoided.  Our family would continue to thrive and life would go on.  That's the sad finality of it all isn't it?  Life goes on.  Whether I choose to be a part of it, actively, or just drone on through to it's fruition is the deciding factor in all of it.  I'm not saying I'm suicidal in any way.  I'm not that vain.  That wouldn't solve anything nor would it make just about everyone I know happy.  I don't like being helpless.  I do so much for my family that I think sometimes they take for granted.  I know most of you parents struggle with these same things but I feel like saying them anyway.  We truly never understand the sacrifices made during our childhood until, we ourselves, have to make them.  My children ask me frequently if I can buy this or that and though they are familiar with the concept of a budget, I'm not sure they fully comprehend what we have to give up just so we can have the BARE necessities (cue song).  They always tell me that we never do anything fun with each other or just for them.  That's not true though.  They already have more than I did in many aspects and less in others but fun is definitely in abundance.  With Elliot's passing I see more clearly how fleeting life is and cherish every waking moment with even greater fervor.  I'm rambling and I apologize but this is the first time I've taken the time to let my thoughts flow through my fingers and onto the screen.  I have a lot of insecurities and only people close to me know of some or all of them.  Sometimes they get the best of me but I need to get the off my chest to cycle out the insanity and get back to reality.  Please forgive me.  Keri is keeping busy with projects to commemorate our little man and it's keeping her sane for the time being.  You know.....there's so much Elliot had to offer us had he survived the pregnancy and come into this world at term.  I could have watched him as tumbled off down the hallway trying to chase his older siblings with a deep longing to belong and play.  I can see in my mind's eye the looks of disappointment when he stands and takes that first step only to crash down to the floor in a diapered heap of frustration.  I see him standing at the bus stop as he anxiously awaits that big yellow bus on his first day of school.  I watch the glimmer in his eyes as he brings our attention to his first "coloring" at school.  It'll be some massive glob of paint on white paper that to me would seem abstract but he would explain an amazing scene that only a child's imagination could conjure up.  I day dream of how his voice would sound as he goes through different stages of emotional development and witness how he interacts with each of his siblings.  I'll never get to see my boy grow into a man or watch him raise a family of his own.  I'll never get to see him again.  Not in this world anyway.  Already, just today at work, I saw many people with babies and hurt for him all over again.  I like to think of myself as an emotionally strong individual but I think, for people who know me, that is not the case.  I succumb to anger more than I'd like to admit and I'm not physical in my outbursts but I sometimes say things that, in hindsight, were foolhardy and shameful.  I'm not the greatest man, the best husband by any standards, and certainly not the best father in the world so I'm prone to fail and hopefully learn.  I can only do so much for the people I love and care about.  So, with all my imperfections and handicaps, my beloved son Elliot, still chose to be a part of our family.  His greatest gift to me is the privilege of allowing me to be his father.  His heart was still beating when I came home after he was born and I swear now, and forever will, that he did so for me.  He was a fighter til the end.  I held him in my hands and watched as his chest moved with every little he heartbeat.  On his tiny face the obvious smile of a happy spirit played into my heart and will stay burned into my memory forever.  I kissed his little head, I told him that I loved him, and that I was so very proud of him.  I have beautiful children who are each strong spirits of their Father in Heaven and now I have an angel baby as well.  I know he can't read what I'm writing now but this next bit is for him.  I'm afraid I can't say it or pray with the same effect.  Elliot, you are the son of a troubled and tortured soul who is doomed to serve out his mortal existence without you.  I will think about you always and will remember your smile and perseverance until my end.  Someday will we be reunited in the presence of our God bu

Tragedy befalls us

It hurts too much to tell all of you this in person but yesterday, Monday, March 10 at approximately ten minutes to 2 pm, baby Elliot decided to come into this world and say hello.  Unfortunately, his little body was only in gestation for 16 weeks and five days.  He passed from us shortly thereafter.  Keri called me from work shortly after Elliot was born and I rushed home to see him and say goodbye and to help her cope with our impending loss.  Our little guy may not have lived long but he was a fighter and I have nicknamed him Bruiser.  All of our children previous have nicknames that begin with a "B" and that's what I chose for him.  His lungs weren't properly suited for our environment at the time but his little heart was beating long after we arrived at St.Luke's in Boise.  Before he left us for sure our children, save Nathan, were able to hold him and share in the experience and joy of life and then feel the heartache and pain of loss as well.  Elliot James Kiel weighed 3.6 oz and was 18.5 cm long.  Keri and I believe he would have had blue eyes and strapping smile.
For those of you who wish to convey your love and support we will be having a graveside service for him Friday, March 14th at 215 at the Mountain Home Cemetery courtesy of Rost Funeral Home.  We do not ask for any favors or such from anyone, only that you pray for us during this difficult time for our family.  Thank you.

Coping with stress from baby and life

Recently my wife and I learned that we are expecting another addition to our family.  This did come as a shock since we had taken the necessary precautions on all but three occasions.  Then again, once is all it takes right?  Our due date for our new addition fell somewhere from beginning to middle August of 2014.  After the initial shock of the news I grew anxious with anticipation.  I started thinking about names and what they might look like and how they would grow up and what kind of person they would become.  You know the typical fatherly stuff we don't usually admit to thinking about?  Sadly though, 16 weeks into the pregnancy, my wife woke early in the morning (you can follow her blog and progress at countinglittleblessings.blogspot.com) with pain and cramping in her lower regions.  After a visit to nearby Boise, my wife learned that her water had broken and the risk for losing our baby had dramatically increased.  So, for the time being, fingers crossed and prayers fervent, she is on bed rest with the hopes of delaying labor until 24 weeks when she can go into the hospital for the remaining duration of the pregnancy.  The difficult part for me is that my responsibilities at home have increased two fold.  With my wife on bed rest, all of her responsibilities now fall to me.  These include but are certainly not limited to EVERYTHING.  Yes, it is possible to do more than everything.  It's called going above and beyond the call of duty.  Translation, being a parent.  Since last Wednesday, my wife has spent two days in the hospital away from the comforts of home and family.  Those two days will pale in comparison, in regard to stress and frustration, to what I'll go through in the coming months.  Reality check now.  There is a very supreme chance that we will lose this baby.  The doctor says there is a less than 1% chance of survivability.  Not good odds right?  I know and I agree.  However, I'm a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason.  If this baby is not meant to make it in this world then it was for a reason.  What that reason is though, I may never know and it may not be for me to know.  So the frustration for me here is that I'm totally and completely helpless when it comes to helping the baby along.  All I can do for my wife is help her feel comfortable and at ease during this time.  I hope I can do that, manage my kids, juggle my life responsibilities, combat my stress, work at my job, and still find time to live my life.  As always, I'm just going to take it day by day.

...and so it begins.

Time and again we all have random thoughts, sometimes in the extreme, that for whatever reason we want to share with someone.....well, anyone really.  If not for our own self-gratification then for the sheer joy of having conversation with other souls.  Today for instance, my good friend and I went out of town to watch a movie and grab some grub.  While we were sitting in our comfy booth awaiting our bottomless french fries and assorted dips I asked him if he ever had the strange desire to achieve something more in life.  I wasn't being rhetorical.  I actually wanted to know his thoughts on the matter.  I sat there content with the way my life was going and looked around at the others around me and wondered if they felt the same.  How can we sit idly by in all our actions and let life get us down.  We all some things in our lives we want to improve and situations we want changed but where does it go from there?  They (being the experts) say that the first step to correcting a problem is to admit you have one in the first place right?  So, what is your problem?  Are you going to do anything about it or are you just going to sit there and complain about it and wonder when life will quit being unfair to you?  See, this is what really frustrates me about people in general.  Before I continue with my rant, let me clarify that a person, individually, is intelligent, but people, in their entirety, are foolish, selfish, and unmotivated.  I know what I need to do to rectify the wrongs in my life, whatever they may be, but I sometimes, and too often, make the mistake of letting the world know my intentions and then the **** really hits the fan.  Now I'm not only accountable to myself but I have the expectations of others to deal with as well.  If I succeed in my endeavors, GREAT, if I fail, however, then I have let down not only myself, but everyone else as well.  So where does that get me when I'm thinking about doing something worthwhile and memorable in my life?  Absolutely nowhere.  Well, at least as far as you are concerned anyway.  We each have our own dreams, ambitions and desires in life.  It is up to each of you individually to take the necessary actions to see them to fruition if you so choose.  There are so many cliches for this that it would take me all day and too much of your time to list them so I'll just leave you with this one.  "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." -Lao Tzu.  Be the difference you seek in your circumstance.  You want something to change?  Then change it.  If you recognize a problem, be it personal or professional, and you complain (being the operative word) to others, it only serves to fuel the fire of discontent.  Now if you see a problem, complain, but have a means to resolution, and do nothing, then you, my good friend, are a hypocrite.  See it and own it.  'Nuf said........................for now. TTYL