A very long time...

It's been so very long since I lost put a blog up on this site.  I'm not even sure where to begin this time around.  So much has happened.  There has been a lot of things I daresay I regret, some things I definitely wish I could take back, both said and done, and some things that are better left unsaid entirely.  There is also a lot of good things to balance out all the blemishes of the time past.  I don't want to go into any of that stuff though.  What I do want to talk about is how just fragile the upside to life can seem.  I'm scared that some of the good things and blessings in life are so fleeting that just acknowledging them and allowing myself to feel them at all will cause them to vanish.  If there's one thing of note to summarize how my time, at least internally, has been spent this past long while, it's that, at least for myself, I often fail to appreciate what I've already got.  I made some really stupid decisions a few years back that could've landed me in a dire world of desolation, heartache, and profound loneliness and regret.  Without going into detail I hurt some people very near and dear to my heart.  I caused a pain and sadness I can never mend and that hurts more than anything.  I'm not perfect, by any standards, and am certainly at fault more than I'd like to admit.  It's not hopeless for me though.  It's not hopeless for you either.  During this time I took for granted so many things in life and thought, for whatever reason, that no matter what I did, certain things would stay just they way they were meant.  Life has a funny way of showing you that some expectations aren't meant to be had  though and that's a lesson I had to learn the hard way.  I want to caution all of you to hold fast to the things you hold dear.  Respect everyone and everything in your lives and realize that, someday, without provocation, or as a result of some fool hearted action, those things may cease to be a part of you.  Fortunately for me, the victims I'm referring to are more forgiving than I am to myself.  I've made my amends with the Lord, to the wounded parties, and acknowledge that someday I will forgive myself.  This is something I challenge all of you to do as well.  Don't linger in the past and dwell on the things that stain your past.  Rather look forward to whatever life has to offer you and appreciate everything as if it were the last of its kind.  Cherish your relationships.  Help them to grow and be just as forgiving of the wrongdoings of others as you would want for yourself should it come to that.  Life is to precious to hang out in your shadows and hide from the light.  Bask in the light of the sun and be mindful of the great power of the Lord, your God.  Always remember him in everything you do.  Trust him to never lead you astray and know that he will be there when you need him.  Don't be afraid to talk to him.  He will not judge your thoughts because he already knows them. 

Staying positive against the odds

We live in a world where the media, social or actual news, controls our everyday life.  If most of the posts you read before going about your day are of a negative nature then chances are high that you will be down for the day.  If you read a news story before going to work that highlights the generosity and kindness of the human spirit then you may go to work feeling elated and you may even spread some cheer of your own.  Sadly though, people tend to focus more on the negative aspects in life.  Perhaps it is because the negative, the pain, of life has a greater chance of leaving a scar.  How often do you associate a scar with a good thing?  Not very often right?  I don't.  Scars, in the physical sense, are received from injury.  Even if you were having a great day when you received that injury all you are likely to recall is the pain and possible humiliation, which just serves to further imbed the scar on an emotional level as well.  Thus making it harder to heal and/or grow from it.  Everyone has that one friend or relative that talks about how the world is negative and nothing good ever comes from anything and I think that is a very sad way of seeing the world.  There is much greatness in the world to behold.  It is "human nature" (in quotes because I dislike those words) to focus on the negative, to point out others short comings, and detract from our own insecurities and areas of growth opportunity.  Being positive or uplifting is work.  People are lazy.  It is easier to give in to what surrounds you rather than stand your ground, possibly be ridiculed, and fight back against the beast of human nature.  I struggle daily with embracing the good in life.  With what I do professionally it is my job to seek out the negative individuals and pursue them as they act out their negative, and often illegal, intentions.  When I notice an opportunity for growth (which is a nice way of saying something annoys me or needs to be fixed) I battle within my own mind whether I should be blunt or lay out the protective padding so they're feelings are not hurt.  I've often been told by people who are close to me that its futile to dwell on things I can't control.  And while I agree wholeheartedly I still want to compromise a situation to the benefit of all parties involved.  I'm not entirely sure the direction of this post.  It feels like a vent but I'm trying to get out some conflict within myself that I'm hoping someone can shed some light on.  I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore or if they ever did unless I asked them to or directed them to from social media site (Facebook).  Honestly, I don't think it really matters one way or another because I'm likely to delete this and just consider it a rant that I needed to tell someone.  Nowadays though, I don't think anyone really listens.  I'll tell you currently I'm reading an insightful book on non-verbal communication.  I've learned from it and from my own experience that I'm actually not as great a person as I believed I am.  Your body, the human body, betrays your mind but expressing its true intentions and feelings one way or another.  A twitch here, a foot pointing towards the door, a heavy sigh, avoided eye contact, are all signs that your mind is trying to get your body to escape a situation.  More often than not, especially since I've started reading this book I've noticed that people do not want to be around me.  Whether it's at home where I should feel welcome or at least have the expectation of feeling welcomed or at work, where the majority of people are there because they have to be and not because they want to be and interactions with unsavory characters is unwanted but unavoidable I notice more and more that I  may be a nuisance.  Of course, this detracts entirely from the subject of my post because it dwells more and more on the negative aspect of my life personally but there you have it.  It's been typed out on the screen before me.  If I don't delete it I'll be surprised.  If anyone actually reads it I'll be even more astounded.  I'm drinking a beer right now to numb my mind into being less crisp and less in control of my motor functions.  In the least, perhaps someone will read this and notice they are not the only ones in the world in their situation.  In a kindred spirit lies hope right?  I hope.  I hope all the time.  Its been said that without hope there is nothing.  But what is hope really?  Is it the vain and misplaced faith that something better exists and maybe, somehow, the universe will see fit to bestow it upon me without my having to work for it?  Who knows.  Another subject for another post.  Sometime.  Maybe.  I guess the point I'm trying to get at here is that I'm miserable always trying to seek out the best in any given situation.  What's the objective in trying to seek out positivity if the whole world is so dead set on drowning themselves and the people close to them in all things negative.  Hate is a word I hear too often and taken in context is more often used to describe feelings of dislike.  Why not then say that you simply don't like something or someone?  Why take it all the way to the extreme?  Life is not either A or Z.  Not just black or white.  There is joy in the gray areas and all the letters in between.  I can and will continue to hope for better things but I will not be wasteful in my pursuit of them to the point that I will miss out on life in its entirety.  If you are a negative influence or an obstacle standing in opposition to the joys I know life has to offer me I will crush you, step over you, walk around you, and sally forth.  I will not look back.  I will not help you up.  I will not cry for you. Your despicable attempts to slow me down will be wasted on the sounds of laughter and glee.  Maybe someday, years from now, I will think back to your poor crushed body and wonder if you ever found the courage to summon yourself from the depths of your own despair.  For that's truly the only way to do it in this day and age.  People will come along and offer to pick you up.  They may even carry you for a while.  But the truth in the matter is if you don't care enough to save yourself then you will not be saved.  I do not mean this in a religious connotation but you can take it that way if you want to.  If that perspective will help you dust off and move forward then so be it.  In those many years from now that thought will only be brief and I will take solace in the fact that I did not give up with you or allow you to drag me down.  I AM a strong spirit.  I have a soul all my own.  My mind, my body, my thoughts, and my actions are all my own.  I will not give up.  I will not quit.  I will not stand idly by and let life happen as I watch from a hole in the ground only to be stepped on and down trodden for the rest of my days.  There is positivity.  I can see it.  I can feel it.  If this in any way sounds like something you struggle with then I encourage you to write it out.  Let out how you feel.  Don't even show it to anyone.  Just keep it to read.  Let yourself know you are human.  You make mistakes but you don't have to let them govern you or your life.  I'm not saying that you should pass by the people in the holes.  By all means, if you so wish, stoop to help them.  Let them know all is not lost nor was it ever.  In my own life though, if I stooped to help you in your metaphorical hole and you refused me but instead asked me to join you in your misery then know it is to you that this is directed.  I will not join you.  I will not conform.  So what if everyone is doing it or not.  I'm not them.  I am an independent being, capable of greatness.  Take this how you will.  I hope it helps you be courageous and strong.  Be the change you want in your life.

Another rant.

I miss the uncontrollable laughter that robs you of breath.  Laughter that is so unbelievably immature and nonsensical that it only makes you laugh even harder.  The kind of laughter that only happens in really good company.  Laughter, that if you don't stop this very instant, will cause you to pee all over yourself.  Laughing that suddenly stops and you look around at everyone laughing with you in breath-held silence for what seems like eternity only to return to your chaotic giggling moments later.  We spend so much time as children rushing to grow up and be adults that I think we failed to realize we only get one childhood.  Now I'm an adult and the burdens of the world are sometimes overwhelming for me.  Being a parent, a husband, a friend, a supervisor, a co-worker, a citizen, it's all really downing at times.  I admit that sometimes I'm so busy trying to get all the pieces of "life" to fit together that I'm forgetting to "live."  Keri made me a plaque with a phoenix on it with an inscription underneath that reads, "Everyone dies but not everyone lives."  How very profound.  I spend so much time wondering what everyone thinks about me and whether or not what I just did will have long lasting negative consequences that I think I'm forgetting to have fun.  I can pretend to an extent that everything is okay, all the time, but the truth is, on most days, I'm terrified of the "what if's" that everyday brings to mind.  Am I good father to my children?  Do they pretend to love me while I'm with them only to bash me publicly or privately when I'm gone from the room?  What about work?  Did I really deserve the promotion they gave me?  Was I foolhardy to think I could actually make a difference?  Am I just a glorified peon with no individual identity outside my name badge and physical appearance?  Daily, I have ideas that can improve our situation at work but I fear bringing them up for fear of retaliation or ridicule?  I'm reading a book right now that talks about our mindset being the key to success and pleasant living (for lack of a better phrase).  It reads of two types of people in life.  Those with a fixed mindset who value self above all else.  And those with a growth mindset who thrive on challenges and learn from their failures.  Initially I bragged that I belonged to the latter of the two but later, and regrettably, I realize that I am with the former.  I devote so much time pretending to be someone I'm not for people that I hardly realize an opportunity to demonstrate self and personal growth.  Honestly, and rhetorically, of course, who am I?  Literally, I'm all the things I mentioned beforehand that I consider occasional downers.  I prefer to think of myself as an optimist, someone who sees the glass as not only half full but also as the best glass ever.  I get along with all walks of life and a lot of people look to me for what to expect in a day.  What mood is Ben going to be in?  At least I like to think I cross people's minds sometimes.  I love to interact with people and observe their reactions to everything.  People watching really should be an olympic sport.  I think I'd medal in it for sure.  Enough of my self pity though.  I started this blog with memories of uncontrollable laughter and reminiscing on my childhood but I don't know how I can do anything about that.  I guess I'm just disappointed in myself that I haven't put forth more effort to get closer to where I want to be in life.  I mean I really have a lot to be proud of in life.  I'm married to a gorgeous, independently minded (yes, in the good way), and amazingly awesome woman.  I've got five children who make me prouder with each passing day and an angel baby I know would have lived up to the challenge and succeeded as well.  I'm alive.  I'm somewhat healthy.  I'm employed with a decent pay.  so I don't really know why I'm in a funk.  I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest and be done with it.  According to my statistics, no one really reads my blog anyway so this is no different that writing in a journal and hoping no one sees it.  Have a great day everyone and remember, "Everyone dies but not everyone lives."

What are you doing here?

What is it that drives you to do the things you do everyday? Do you conform to a routine that leads your everyday into a tiresome monotony? Are you hell bent on living everyday to it's fullest potential where everyday is an adventure? Maybe your life is dictated not by your own actions but by the whims and desires of other people around you. Maybe you have no clue how each day will dawn for you and submit yourself to the will of the universe. Whatever the situation, life goes on for all of us. Not a one of us possesses supernatural abilities to control time and manufacture our futures without fear or prior understanding of consequence.  If there is someone like that I'd surely like to meet them and learn their trade. So we accept the reality before us and navigate our paths the best way we can, with one foot in front of the other, day after day.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I often find myself wondering if I'm doing everything right, if anything at all.  I do my best to love my family and continuously strive to make their worlds a better place.  I push daily on my bounds at work.  I try (being the operative word) to improve myself as an individual and citizen of my community.  Somedays are, of course, harder than others in that department.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all need to identify our driving force.  We need to figure out what is important in our lives, identify and set our goals, and push ourselves to success and ultimate happiness.

Reflections and realizations

In lying here in my bed hoping beyond all hopes that sleep will come easy to me tonight but I know better. The days of easy rest and relaxation have been put to their own rest. I find myself struggling with simple questions now that didn't used to cause me concern. Trivial things like how my day will go at work or whether or not I'll be faced with a tough question or decision throughout my day. Last night I seized an opportunity to listen to silence on the outskirts of town long after the sun bid the day farewell but found myself assaulted by noisy and pestering thoughts. I like to think that I have my wits about me most of the time but I'm not so confident of that lately. I catch myself drifting to other places and times in my mind when I should clearly be focused on the here and now. I'm not saying that I wish things were different or that I'd said or done something differently at point or another but I do wonder. I wonder where the fork in the road would have led me if I'd turned right instead of left or vice versa. Would I still be this happily married man with a beautiful and faithfully loving wife and kids that make me proud daily or would I be someone else entirely different? As a child we all grew up wondering about everything all the time. There was no pause for concern or fear of mental retaliation. Our mouths were often so in synch with our minds that we frequently suffered a tongue lashing for speaking our minds. We can at least say that in those days people knew how we felt about our environment and the world around us.  We didn't need to lie or deceive to achieve selfish and adolescent goals. We didn't need to side with a or b to win favor. There was no need to kiss the metaphorical ass to better your situation. We were children. Though some of us were not as fortunate as others, most had the privilege of childhood. To those of you who did not I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Childhood for me was a time of learning, of excitement, of friendships and pristine imagination.  The corruption of the world had not yet tainted our innocent minds or damage our mortal vessels. I reminisce about how care free my days were back then. I was younger, more energetic, more handsome and enjoyable. Nowadays my mind is plagued with the battle scars of actions and consequences past and yet to come. What will tomorrow hold for me and mine? Will there be a "last" event? Will I smile to my children one last time before tragedy befalls me? Will I feel the tender pressure of my wife's lips for the last time? Will terror and hate extract my home, my life, my work? There is so much more the world has taken from me since my childhood that I cannot grant it forgiveness. It has crushed my innocent soul, hardened my soft, fragile exterior into a being of limited imagination with a massive capacity for worry. There are times when I glimpse the echoes of my youth through the dealings of my own children. I listen to them pretending as they play and watch with eager delight as they learn something new about the world around them. All the while knowing that someday they will grow up and and see the harsh reality of the world. But with every harsh truth is a deep and growing beauty that's only recognizable through reason and focus. I have grown out of my childhood, but from that I have started and fostered a heavenly relationship with a beautiful woman I am privileged to call my wife. From our marriage we've granted five amazing children who we've granted the opportunity to experience their own childhood and grow from that. My children are an extension of my soul. I feel their pains, their passions, sorrows, and joys. Had I never bid farewell to my childhood and the days of accompanying innocence they would never have been.  Looking back on all I've written thus far I am shamed at my ignorance. My life in its entirety is a blessing. All that I have suffered through and endured brought me to this very moment. I live for this moment. I live for the rare and elusive moments in my life when i am truly happy for all I have. I will brave the agonizing periods of doubt and wonder for that one finite moment of blissful realization. I am truly blessed with happiness in my life. I am loved. I am revered, respected, and looked up to by some. I am a great husband to my wife and an amazing father to my children. I am successful in my endeavors and my friendship is deep and powerful. I am battle hardened and steadfast in my beliefs and hold my head high. Though I'm frequently faced with harrowing decisions and hopeless situations i know that all will be well. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I may not always understand the why of life but I'm confident in my Creator. I know I will overcome. So even with all my questions and aimless thoughts I will be okay. I can rest easy knowing I'm in good hands. I hope my readers realize with me the significance of the roads you traveled to get where you are now. Every decision, every turn, spoken word, and reserved thought made you who you are today. The relationships you've cultivated throughout your years are the building blocks of your future. There are imperfections everywhere in life but if we hold them as lessons learned we will grow from them. Now go and be strong for yourself, your families, and your friends. You are each and everyone an amazing person. Live to your potential. Goodnight.

Just some words

For the last few weeks in my life, I've been exposed to more stress and drama then I want to deal with and I really don't want to go on about it but I will for the sake of clearing my head.  At work, there are some people who are not as committed to the job or the responsibilities thereof.  It does not fall to me to carry their burden as well as my own but I'm not the guy who watches while others drown in failure.  Am I wrong to take up their duties as well as my own?  Should I let them falter and fail and possibly lose their jobs?  I did not take this job to make friends.  I have a family that depends on me to sustain a lifestyle for them, put food on the table, clothes on their backs, and help bring peace of mind to their days.  If I'm stressed out at work and give in to the drama and the "complainant's band wagon" then I'm no better than the rest.  I try everyday to shrug off the drama and take a more zen approach.  I try to figure out how best to overcome the situation and learn from my mistakes if indeed I'm to blame but sometimes its a moot effort.  I'm not the guy who says that I'm tired of working my butt off if no one else does but I am the guy who works with a purpose.  We are all a team and must function as such.  No one part can sum up the whole without the others.  No matter how hard I work my efforts seem to go unnoticed unless all parties are doing as well or better than me.  I'm not a working superstar but I'm consistent.  In my consistence, I strive for excellence and expect others to do the same.  It's what we're paid to do.  I was once told that I cannot expect others to care of work as hard as I do.  It was a sad day when I realized the truth of that statement.  There are a lot of co-workers in the same situation as me.  It's weary on the bones to carry the burden of others while we sit and watch them get paid for doing absolutely nothing.  Enough of that.  Here's something else that's been weighing on me for quite some time.  I have, in the past seven years, gotten really close to two gentlemen who I, at one point, considered brothers.  At some point in time though, one of them committed an apparent transgression against the other.  Now it's awkward for me to be friends with both them.  They are neighbors to one another but do not talk to each other.  At one point, there was a girl in the picture but she's gone now and they're still not talking.  How frustrating.  Both are stubborn and don't think anything is wrong.  Sometimes we can't expect others to move on as quickly I suppose.  I've drifted too far from one friend and am drifting away from the other with each passing day.  We all still get along and respect one another as far as I know but life moves on and so do friends I guess.  I have to admit to myself that there are some things in life I can't control and that's hard to do but I'm working on it.  Everyone has their free agency, or ability to do whatever they darn well please but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Counting my blessings......

At this very moment I have numerous blessings for which I am thankful.  I will list them since typing them out in a paragraph would be too much of a burden right now.

1. I am happily married to Keri Kiel, the most beautiful woman I have ever met and I am honored to have her love
2. I have an 11-year old son, William, who is supremely intelligent, independent, and so much like me I sometimes feel like I'm watching myself grow up.  Boy am I in for some fun.
3. I have a 10-year old son, Michael, who is the most creative boy I know.  He can make anything he puts his mind to and doesn't hesitate to tackle a new project if it involves creativity.
4. I have a 6-year old son, Nathan, who is a very adventurous leader.  He is always coming up with new ideas and imaginary games that astound everyone around him.  He loves to laugh and help others have a good time too.
5. I have a gorgeous 5-year old daughter, Jenna, who is the princess I never thought I'd have.  Rather, I never wanted a princess daughter but when she asked me if she was my princess I could not refuse her big blue eyes.  It couldn't be helped.  She'll always be my princess.
6. I have an amazing 2-year old daughter, Elizabeth, who has the most love of all my kiddos to offer.  She is very caring and shows concern for everyone.  She's another princess too.  Her and I share princess kisses too.  
7. I have a calm and relaxed black labrador, Misty (Ms.T for the white "T" on her chest but the kids got to calling her Misty instead), who's been with our family now for about eight and half years.  She's loving and definitely my pup.
8. I have a job with promising advancement opportunities though it's taking longer than I originally planned to ascend the ranks.
9. I am alive
10. I am not handicapped
11. I am not hungry
12. I have a roof over my head, on a house I will someday finish paying off to own
13. I have a functioning vehicle that I almost have paid off
14. I'm happy, most of the time
15. I have friends
16. I have family
17. I have many more reasons but I'm off to bed now so more to come later.