Another rant.

I miss the uncontrollable laughter that robs you of breath.  Laughter that is so unbelievably immature and nonsensical that it only makes you laugh even harder.  The kind of laughter that only happens in really good company.  Laughter, that if you don't stop this very instant, will cause you to pee all over yourself.  Laughing that suddenly stops and you look around at everyone laughing with you in breath-held silence for what seems like eternity only to return to your chaotic giggling moments later.  We spend so much time as children rushing to grow up and be adults that I think we failed to realize we only get one childhood.  Now I'm an adult and the burdens of the world are sometimes overwhelming for me.  Being a parent, a husband, a friend, a supervisor, a co-worker, a citizen, it's all really downing at times.  I admit that sometimes I'm so busy trying to get all the pieces of "life" to fit together that I'm forgetting to "live."  Keri made me a plaque with a phoenix on it with an inscription underneath that reads, "Everyone dies but not everyone lives."  How very profound.  I spend so much time wondering what everyone thinks about me and whether or not what I just did will have long lasting negative consequences that I think I'm forgetting to have fun.  I can pretend to an extent that everything is okay, all the time, but the truth is, on most days, I'm terrified of the "what if's" that everyday brings to mind.  Am I good father to my children?  Do they pretend to love me while I'm with them only to bash me publicly or privately when I'm gone from the room?  What about work?  Did I really deserve the promotion they gave me?  Was I foolhardy to think I could actually make a difference?  Am I just a glorified peon with no individual identity outside my name badge and physical appearance?  Daily, I have ideas that can improve our situation at work but I fear bringing them up for fear of retaliation or ridicule?  I'm reading a book right now that talks about our mindset being the key to success and pleasant living (for lack of a better phrase).  It reads of two types of people in life.  Those with a fixed mindset who value self above all else.  And those with a growth mindset who thrive on challenges and learn from their failures.  Initially I bragged that I belonged to the latter of the two but later, and regrettably, I realize that I am with the former.  I devote so much time pretending to be someone I'm not for people that I hardly realize an opportunity to demonstrate self and personal growth.  Honestly, and rhetorically, of course, who am I?  Literally, I'm all the things I mentioned beforehand that I consider occasional downers.  I prefer to think of myself as an optimist, someone who sees the glass as not only half full but also as the best glass ever.  I get along with all walks of life and a lot of people look to me for what to expect in a day.  What mood is Ben going to be in?  At least I like to think I cross people's minds sometimes.  I love to interact with people and observe their reactions to everything.  People watching really should be an olympic sport.  I think I'd medal in it for sure.  Enough of my self pity though.  I started this blog with memories of uncontrollable laughter and reminiscing on my childhood but I don't know how I can do anything about that.  I guess I'm just disappointed in myself that I haven't put forth more effort to get closer to where I want to be in life.  I mean I really have a lot to be proud of in life.  I'm married to a gorgeous, independently minded (yes, in the good way), and amazingly awesome woman.  I've got five children who make me prouder with each passing day and an angel baby I know would have lived up to the challenge and succeeded as well.  I'm alive.  I'm somewhat healthy.  I'm employed with a decent pay.  so I don't really know why I'm in a funk.  I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest and be done with it.  According to my statistics, no one really reads my blog anyway so this is no different that writing in a journal and hoping no one sees it.  Have a great day everyone and remember, "Everyone dies but not everyone lives."