In lying here in my bed hoping beyond all hopes that sleep will come easy to me tonight but I know better. The days of easy rest and relaxation have been put to their own rest. I find myself struggling with simple questions now that didn't used to cause me concern. Trivial things like how my day will go at work or whether or not I'll be faced with a tough question or decision throughout my day. Last night I seized an opportunity to listen to silence on the outskirts of town long after the sun bid the day farewell but found myself assaulted by noisy and pestering thoughts. I like to think that I have my wits about me most of the time but I'm not so confident of that lately. I catch myself drifting to other places and times in my mind when I should clearly be focused on the here and now. I'm not saying that I wish things were different or that I'd said or done something differently at point or another but I do wonder. I wonder where the fork in the road would have led me if I'd turned right instead of left or vice versa. Would I still be this happily married man with a beautiful and faithfully loving wife and kids that make me proud daily or would I be someone else entirely different? As a child we all grew up wondering about everything all the time. There was no pause for concern or fear of mental retaliation. Our mouths were often so in synch with our minds that we frequently suffered a tongue lashing for speaking our minds. We can at least say that in those days people knew how we felt about our environment and the world around us. We didn't need to lie or deceive to achieve selfish and adolescent goals. We didn't need to side with a or b to win favor. There was no need to kiss the metaphorical ass to better your situation. We were children. Though some of us were not as fortunate as others, most had the privilege of childhood. To those of you who did not I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Childhood for me was a time of learning, of excitement, of friendships and pristine imagination. The corruption of the world had not yet tainted our innocent minds or damage our mortal vessels. I reminisce about how care free my days were back then. I was younger, more energetic, more handsome and enjoyable. Nowadays my mind is plagued with the battle scars of actions and consequences past and yet to come. What will tomorrow hold for me and mine? Will there be a "last" event? Will I smile to my children one last time before tragedy befalls me? Will I feel the tender pressure of my wife's lips for the last time? Will terror and hate extract my home, my life, my work? There is so much more the world has taken from me since my childhood that I cannot grant it forgiveness. It has crushed my innocent soul, hardened my soft, fragile exterior into a being of limited imagination with a massive capacity for worry. There are times when I glimpse the echoes of my youth through the dealings of my own children. I listen to them pretending as they play and watch with eager delight as they learn something new about the world around them. All the while knowing that someday they will grow up and and see the harsh reality of the world. But with every harsh truth is a deep and growing beauty that's only recognizable through reason and focus. I have grown out of my childhood, but from that I have started and fostered a heavenly relationship with a beautiful woman I am privileged to call my wife. From our marriage we've granted five amazing children who we've granted the opportunity to experience their own childhood and grow from that. My children are an extension of my soul. I feel their pains, their passions, sorrows, and joys. Had I never bid farewell to my childhood and the days of accompanying innocence they would never have been. Looking back on all I've written thus far I am shamed at my ignorance. My life in its entirety is a blessing. All that I have suffered through and endured brought me to this very moment. I live for this moment. I live for the rare and elusive moments in my life when i am truly happy for all I have. I will brave the agonizing periods of doubt and wonder for that one finite moment of blissful realization. I am truly blessed with happiness in my life. I am loved. I am revered, respected, and looked up to by some. I am a great husband to my wife and an amazing father to my children. I am successful in my endeavors and my friendship is deep and powerful. I am battle hardened and steadfast in my beliefs and hold my head high. Though I'm frequently faced with harrowing decisions and hopeless situations i know that all will be well. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I may not always understand the why of life but I'm confident in my Creator. I know I will overcome. So even with all my questions and aimless thoughts I will be okay. I can rest easy knowing I'm in good hands. I hope my readers realize with me the significance of the roads you traveled to get where you are now. Every decision, every turn, spoken word, and reserved thought made you who you are today. The relationships you've cultivated throughout your years are the building blocks of your future. There are imperfections everywhere in life but if we hold them as lessons learned we will grow from them. Now go and be strong for yourself, your families, and your friends. You are each and everyone an amazing person. Live to your potential. Goodnight.
