He is laid to rest and my thoughts abound

My son, Elliot James Kiel, was laid to rest Friday, March 14th, in the early afternoon hours.  The weather was breezy but peaceful and everything was in harmony with the spirit we'd felt all day.  Our son was buried while friends and family, for support and comfort, looked on.  Keri and I had the opportunity to say some things we had written down prior to the service.  We both struggled with our parts but overcame our emotions long enough to be heard by those in attendance.  When it comes to matters of the heart I know that Elliot did not need to hear the words because he felt them through our love.  His funeral is the second I've attended to my knowledge.  I was more than an observer in each and was greatly moved by emotion and spirit both times.  One of the hardest things for me to deal with since learning of Elliot's passing from this world is the roller coaster of emotion that comes with the loss of a loved one.  He wasn't just a loved one, you see, he was my son, my blood, and therefore more of a loss for me.  I conditioned myself to be constructive in my emotion, so, where most people would shutdown or lash out, I keep busy.  I didn't go to work since he passed until today so I mostly did things around the house.  My house is in a constant state of disarray so there is always something to do that involves cleaning and elbow grease.  The dishes were done multiple times, laundry was washed, dinner was cooked and served, and all the while a blur of autonomy.  In a way I did shutdown.  My five surviving children were home with me most of the time so I wasn't able to crumble and succumb to my emotions, which is okay too, but I'm not that guy.  I'm really worried for Keri, and I'm sure she knows it.  I can't begin to fathom the severity of loss she is coping with.  She carried Elliot inside her and one day he was gone leaving a void I can't replace.  One of my biggest frustrations in this whole ordeal is the degree of helplessness I'm faced with.  There was nothing I could do for Elliot when he was born, there was nothing I could do for Keri save my feeble attempts at comforting her, there's nothing I can do to bring him back, and most of all, I'm not sure if our relationship will ever be the same.  Lately, I've been feeling really distant from Keri and I'm sure that's because of losing Elliot.  She seems removed from this world.  It's almost like she's trying to breach the veil and go to Elliot.  We all grieve in different ways like I've mentioned earlier.  I can't help but feel like this whole situation is my fault sometimes.  I know it's foolish to think so but physically speaking, I am the father.  Elliot would never have been in the first place and this whole heartache could have been avoided.  Our family would continue to thrive and life would go on.  That's the sad finality of it all isn't it?  Life goes on.  Whether I choose to be a part of it, actively, or just drone on through to it's fruition is the deciding factor in all of it.  I'm not saying I'm suicidal in any way.  I'm not that vain.  That wouldn't solve anything nor would it make just about everyone I know happy.  I don't like being helpless.  I do so much for my family that I think sometimes they take for granted.  I know most of you parents struggle with these same things but I feel like saying them anyway.  We truly never understand the sacrifices made during our childhood until, we ourselves, have to make them.  My children ask me frequently if I can buy this or that and though they are familiar with the concept of a budget, I'm not sure they fully comprehend what we have to give up just so we can have the BARE necessities (cue song).  They always tell me that we never do anything fun with each other or just for them.  That's not true though.  They already have more than I did in many aspects and less in others but fun is definitely in abundance.  With Elliot's passing I see more clearly how fleeting life is and cherish every waking moment with even greater fervor.  I'm rambling and I apologize but this is the first time I've taken the time to let my thoughts flow through my fingers and onto the screen.  I have a lot of insecurities and only people close to me know of some or all of them.  Sometimes they get the best of me but I need to get the off my chest to cycle out the insanity and get back to reality.  Please forgive me.  Keri is keeping busy with projects to commemorate our little man and it's keeping her sane for the time being.  You know.....there's so much Elliot had to offer us had he survived the pregnancy and come into this world at term.  I could have watched him as tumbled off down the hallway trying to chase his older siblings with a deep longing to belong and play.  I can see in my mind's eye the looks of disappointment when he stands and takes that first step only to crash down to the floor in a diapered heap of frustration.  I see him standing at the bus stop as he anxiously awaits that big yellow bus on his first day of school.  I watch the glimmer in his eyes as he brings our attention to his first "coloring" at school.  It'll be some massive glob of paint on white paper that to me would seem abstract but he would explain an amazing scene that only a child's imagination could conjure up.  I day dream of how his voice would sound as he goes through different stages of emotional development and witness how he interacts with each of his siblings.  I'll never get to see my boy grow into a man or watch him raise a family of his own.  I'll never get to see him again.  Not in this world anyway.  Already, just today at work, I saw many people with babies and hurt for him all over again.  I like to think of myself as an emotionally strong individual but I think, for people who know me, that is not the case.  I succumb to anger more than I'd like to admit and I'm not physical in my outbursts but I sometimes say things that, in hindsight, were foolhardy and shameful.  I'm not the greatest man, the best husband by any standards, and certainly not the best father in the world so I'm prone to fail and hopefully learn.  I can only do so much for the people I love and care about.  So, with all my imperfections and handicaps, my beloved son Elliot, still chose to be a part of our family.  His greatest gift to me is the privilege of allowing me to be his father.  His heart was still beating when I came home after he was born and I swear now, and forever will, that he did so for me.  He was a fighter til the end.  I held him in my hands and watched as his chest moved with every little he heartbeat.  On his tiny face the obvious smile of a happy spirit played into my heart and will stay burned into my memory forever.  I kissed his little head, I told him that I loved him, and that I was so very proud of him.  I have beautiful children who are each strong spirits of their Father in Heaven and now I have an angel baby as well.  I know he can't read what I'm writing now but this next bit is for him.  I'm afraid I can't say it or pray with the same effect.  Elliot, you are the son of a troubled and tortured soul who is doomed to serve out his mortal existence without you.  I will think about you always and will remember your smile and perseverance until my end.  Someday will we be reunited in the presence of our God bu